I am still dating. This time a met a girl via another website, that I have since closed my account on. She found me I think, but I was ready to write her off in my mind as she had a few yellow flags. But for some reason I agreed to meet her for lunch during her workday. It went much better then I expected….she vibed with me. Some chemistry in our demeanor’s…nice. She let me tell my stories and seemed genuinely entertained… she also interjected and seemed witty/intelligent with class. She appeared to take care of herself and wasn’t hard on the eyes. All good things. However, she hadn’t defined any of her faith perspective in her profile, and had chosen the category, “spiritual, but not religious”. We had one thing there that I agreed with, “I like to think of myself as being less religious and more open to building my faith outlook on model of love Jesus demonstrated with the woman at the well, or the story about the prostitute – Grace”. I didn’t really have many other options. Not many orthodox Christian women out there were grabbing my attention. But since the Christian girl in the town 8 hrs. from my place suddenly fell off the map, I thought with miraculous hope, that JC often does things using unexpected sources…when I doubt or perceive something as a long shot, he sees all the possibilities (Rom.8:28). I thought I would just go with the flow….not like my well thought out plans had worked for me so far (getting all my ducks in a row..so to speak).
Insecurity – a double edge sword
One problem I have recognized after seeing this woman two more times, is that I have talked too much. She has asked me questions about parts of my life, and I have given too much detail in my answers. The good news is that this means I am attracted to her. The bad news is that even though I have asked her questions and found out some things about her, I realize that I have a weakness. I don’t feel very worthy with women I’m attracted to. Thus I end up talking too much about myself, in an effort to promote myself, and make myself appear worthy of their attention. Insecurity. This doesn’t usually have the desired effect. Then when I’m not really attracted, I say very little, and listen more. I appear more self-assured…. sucks!
Loneliness – my past
I have been struggling with my relational outlook lately. In church this morning, the message was about how we have a tendency to measure ourselves based on our performance, even though we know that is not the New Testament message. I know Jesus loves as much at our low points as he does at our hi-points. But what I find difficult is this feeling that I always feel alone in this world….no one who reads me like a book. Sure my sister, and a few of my cousins have good chemistry with me, but I am only around them a few times a year…. and I am a physical dude…meaning I connect better through activities. I think I have felt alone since I was a child, if I am being really transparent, My dad was a good father, but seemed distant mostly because of fatigue, and a heavy work schedule. My mom however, seemed pre-occupied most of the time, and even though she was present, she didn’t really seem to be hearing anything I was saying. When she did listen, she made such a big deal out of things, that what I felt most was embarrassment in front of my peers. So I ended up not really trusting my mom or dad with my heart. Later in my 20’s my dad and I made a connection as a result of some counseling I received and a paper analyzing my family life. This was quite good until he died about 5 years ago.
She told me the red flag on me for her was that my profile indicated that I’d never been married. Wow…not surprising, but it does make being a good catch poor motivation for being a decent guy. Maybe I need to work on my ‘don’t care bad dude’ character more.
Coping Mechanisms and our limited perspectives
I left church realizing that a lot of people need to be less hard on themselves, but somehow holding onto this intangible feeling that I am not worthy to most women. No 10 session package of counseling will resolve this… I need to have some more positive experiences with woman to build my confidence again. The idea of meeting a beautiful prostitute is attractive in this context: One can role-play that they are on a date with a beautiful woman for a certain price, and be guaranteed that she will not reject him. For several hours his confidence is back, and he feels like a stud. I can see how some decent guys end up falling to this temptation that sometimes leads to an addiction. The bible says that God knows the desires of our heart… that JC feels our pain of loneliness… we see life thru a dark glass… I think this implies that this will all make sense when we get to heaven… there is no pain from loneliness in heaven…. there is no loneliness… people are anointed with the ability to communicate with complete transparency… what bliss that will be! In the mean time I will have to keep my mask on and push the self-absorption of self-loathing aside. There are so many people here who are hurting and have no hope to look forward to… no life purpose… who live lives of desperation as they try to survive their life as they have experienced it… that is worse than this temporary life of loneliness…