Holidays are over and I’m back at work. Feel like I’m being micromanaged by this new boss…almost makes me feel as if they think I’m slightly incompetent, or they don’t trust me. It is draining to think about it too much. Started seeing a girl, I met at church. Wow, that is rare for me. To meet someone I am attracted to at church who is available, and is interested in me. Seems like a perfect storm.
I took things slowly, and treated it like a friendship at first. I knew she was married before, but wanted to make sure I wasn’t jumping into a super messy separation. Turns out her divorce just went through about the time I was thinking about asking her about it. When she realized I was willing to give her and her cute little boy a shot, she was very motivated to heat things up. This wasn’t completely surprising to me, as I attract lots of women, just not the one I’m usually looking for. She had holidays on a similar schedule to me…in the school system. Thus things were pretty easy in the beginning two weeks.
Here is where it gets complicated. I started to sense that I wasn’t very attracted to certain mannerisms of hers after spending more time. I had initially not felt a spark with her, but she was easy enough to get along with (not demanding), and she seemed to appreciate my perspective on a lot of things ( good for my ego). I had been dating all these random women over the summer, and was getting tired of this weekly rhythm. None of these woman were meeting the physical attraction I desired, along with the intellectual personality, and evidence of Christian faith. I was walking my dog with her at least once a week, and thought, why not her. I kinda hesitate to date woman from my close community, because if it doesn’t work out, it can create tension that lingers, and may have a bad effect on other casual friendships in that community. That is how it started.
Like I was saying, I wasn’t totally green lights for her, but appreciated her as a person and friend. However, I wasn’t feeling that extra spark when I was with her, and was enjoying my time away from her a little too much. Hard to put a finger on this, or what was wrong exactly. As I continued to analyze it in my thoughts, I realized the best thing was to talk to her about it…just be honest about how I’m feeling. She was going out of her way at times for me, and I definitely didn’t want to set her up for a more unnecessary heart ache. I needed to keep her in the loop of my thoughts.
However, every time, I thought we would have an opportunity to talk about this, something would come up, like a crisis on her end, or someone would call her and interrupt, or she had something really pressing to talk about. Then her life got super busy. She suddenly found out where she was working, but also had signed up for some other courses in case she didn’t find work, and was now volunteering at the church for some other stuff. Along with having her son 60% of the time, it suddenly became very difficult to even have a phone conversation with her. I didn’t feel we were at a place where I should be spending a lot of time with her and her son, because I might send a false message and complicate things even further. Three weeks went by where we talked twice on the phone for about 20 minutes each time, and a few random texts. Saw her at church twice for about 15 minutes during that period of time. Now I’m chomping at the bit to talk with her about what is on my mind. Finally, when I got her on the phone, and realized nothing in her schedule was going to change for the next 6 months, I realized this conversation may not need to happen. How can we build a relationship when we can’t spend enough time together. She was seeing this perspective too, and said, “feel free to date someone if a good opportunity arises…”. But we also sincerely agreed that we like the emotional support from our casual friendship, and wanted to keep in touch. That made perfect sense for me. I do have some regret about it. We did get pretty physical a few times, and I wished I would have held back more until I was more comfortable with the relationship.
Actually, she seemed hornier then me. I was the one holding things back. But maybe more because I didn’t feel as comfortable with how I felt about her in a romantic sense, and I could tell she was full speed ahead for me. Sometimes, I am too much of a pleaser. It was like she was suffering because I wasn’t giving her enough physical attention, and I wanted to relieve that itch she seemed to be having. Gosh, why couldn’t I just be more of a man and say, hey, I really would like to go there with you, but I’m not ready yet…I need my emotional attachment to you to be congruent with our physical affection, and connection.
I think what really makes it tough, is all the cultural pressure that implies and even says, that casual sex between two consenting adults is no problem. It is just physical. She isn’t a virgin. Actually culture implies that there is something unbalanced about you if you haven’t had sex in a while. ‘Find yourself a casual sex partner or friend with benefits…it will be good for your stress levels’. I have never been able to do that. I have tried, but my heart always got involved in the process, and as hard as the mutually acting woman tried, she was feeling out of balance as well. I believe the Holy Spirit is speaking to me all the time…seems like he is saying, “quit tearing pieces of your heart man…your creating a windmill in here….and it is really messing up your chemistry for what is right and wrong…in-congruency does not give you inner peace…don’t be double minded dude…”. I sense that kinda of stuff flowing from my mind to my heart.I don’t want to leave a trail of broken hearts, aborted children, and bastards in my wake. I’m not cool with being a sperm donor on a casual basis, just to feel good for a 1/2 hour, but it is harder said then done. Maybe self-stimulation will help me get through those crazy hormonal moments. Ultimately, I wanna be in love with one woman, and have total peace with it, even when it feels like we are hitting bumps or potholes in the road.