Sorry, but had my sister and her children were over visiting for a couple of weeks. This post is quite over due. Sometimes being single seems to have many advantages, and sometimes all I see is the deficits. This is how my last letter went to the Father in Heaven.
I feel more distant from you then any other time. “A hearts desire spurned makes the heart sick.” I think this has been a major stumbling block for me. It has delayed my focus on earth, and made me very self-focused at times. Satan has managed to thwart my attempts at love, and now sometimes I feel that I would be better off dead. I’m no earthly good, when I dwell on this desire too often.
It may be my miss-guided perception, but sometimes I think that Christian women perceive that something is wrong with me, or that I’m too old. Maybe they see me as ‘creepy’, or a ‘stalker’ because I’m single and 40ish. I walked through the family part of the beach, and I can imagine hearing the voices saying. “watch your kids…he may be a pedophile (because he is by himself)”. I make sure to look away from the kids and only straight ahead into space.
Because I am fit and look younger then my age, I look for similar in a woman. Seems like they look at my age and dismiss me. My last two relational experiences with Christian women have left a bad taste in my mouth. Sometimes I feel like giving up on being a good guy and living a good gratifying life with no thought for the future. I have no one to live for on this planet. For over 20 years I have desired a closer romantic relationship with a woman, and now I feel so discouraged that I contemplate ending my life. In my desperate search, I’ve compromised your standards by messing around with women who were physically attractive, but definitely not on the same page with respect to you. I don’t feel real connected to any community, although I am outgoing when I need to be. People would not likely guess this about me. I’ve received words from wise spiritual mentor figures, saying there is someone, but it feels like I’m waiting forever…my whole life has been about waiting, as I watch many others around me start families, and have all their dreams come true. They say, “it is not as good as you think…blah, blah, blah”. I say at least you had the opportunity. I’ll judge it when my turn comes.
I know that no one has a perfect life. But I never longed for perfection…just a partner…simple pleasures were enough for me. One positive for me coming out of those past two relationships experiences, is that I learned to admit when I’m hurt by their actions, and then to practice honest reflection with a another trusted friend. I’m just tired of feeling alone and disconnected from an intimate partner.
Sometimes it seems like I’m too spiritual for the women outside the church, and not spiritual enough for the women in the church. I have no trouble talking to attractive women at my gym…we even seem to have some camaraderie… but I want more then surface conversation. Physical intimacy without the other three pillars seems shallow and unsatisfying. Of course you already knew this. Help me God. Fill me with your spirit everyday, so that I can resist all the negative temptations that I feel. You say that we are like broken cisterns, that slowly leak out your life juice. According to your word we need to be refilled over and over based on this analogy, or we will become dry and arid like a desert. Meditation, and singing your word with a community is very refreshing… of course it helps because it was your idea! My heart is already feeling less sick, but the desire is still there…